Article II, Section 1, Paragraph 5

The first constitutional crisis of 2017

Hypocrites in a Half Shell

Oh, those DiCaprio brothers:

Donatello

No one was a more passionate supporter of animal rights than Donatello DiCaprio, who fundraised, marched, and spoke out for everything from the SPCA to the Animal Liberation Front to Chengeta Wildlife. When it was discovered that Donatello funded his animal-rights work by running dogfights in his basement and selling carved elephant-tusk bongs on the side, he was humiliated and removed from all animal rights organizations. He’s not even permitted, anymore, to enter the park to feed pigeons.

Michelangelo

Michelangelo DiCaprio was known to risk life & limb battling against the evils of the international child-slavery sex trade. He was humbly honored by human rights groups across the globe for bringing awareness to these horrors, and was rumored to be in the running for a Nobel Peace Prize. When a lineman from the local power utility stumbled across a bunker buried in Michelangelo’s backyard, and it was found to contain six barely-living children used as his sexual playthings, Michelangelo not only had all his humanitarian awards rescinded but was sentenced to multiple lifetimes behind bars.

Raphael

Once known as “Fat Raph”, Raphael DiCaprio inspired legions of admiring fans as the Weight Watchers spokesman. With his simple smile and his well-known slogan (“if I can lose 300 pounds by counting a few points… aw shucks, so can you”), Raphael was an inspiration to all. When it slipped out, during an unrelated court case against his plastic surgeon, that Raphael had secretly had his entire digestive system removed, while he continued to binge on 50,000 calories a day, he lost is endorsement from Weight Watchers, his ex-Victoria Secret Model wife divorced him, and his cat scratched up a corner of his sofa.

Leonardo

Leonardo DiCaprio—oh, Leonardo DiCaprio—he outshone them all. This Hollywood phenomenon used his star profile, his philanthropic cash, and even his Oscar acceptance speech, to raise global awareness of the dangers of climate change. For such work, Leonardo received awards from government and environmental groups all over the world. But then it was discovered that Leonardo owned multiple large estates around the globe (even an island), frequently travelled between them (via first-class & private jets, and superyachts), owned a fleet of cars, and had purchased tickets to fly into space with a companion just for fun (releasing 250 tons of CO2 each for a few minutes of weightless fun); and so it was revealed that every year he personally released about 1400 times as much carbon as the average American (which was already much higher than average world citizen). When this disturbing data was uncovered, Leonardo DiCaprio… um… well… he just went on receiving environmental awards, lots of them, sometimes flying thousands of miles overnight, in private jets, to get from one awards ceremony to the next.

Go figure.