WWJD (in Cincinnati)

I love Jesus soooooo much. I have a huge man-crush on him. I love Jesus mostly for these reasons:

• He suffered for our sins, so that we may have eternal salvation in the presence of God.
• I like that he can be my personal savior, but also your personal savior. It’s nice to share.
• He made it seem cool to dress and talk like a hippy.

And he did these things 2000 years ago (way before it was trendy).

Recently I was greatly dismayed to learn from this blog that my good and honorable friend Ryan Perry is an atheist, having been led astray by Richard Dawkins (and Satan).

It hurts me to think that Jesus suffered for those two atheists. What a terrible waste. I hate to think of my beloved Jesus in so much extra pain (Jesus would never take the easy out by calling out his safe word from the cross).

Did I mention that I love Jesus soooooo much? I love Jesus so much that I hope Dan Brown’s next novel proves, with his inimitable style of irrefutable and impeccably-researched evidence, that the Church has been suppressing the information that Jesus was actually a woman. Then I can love Jesus in a way that is not such an abomination in the eyes of our Lord.

So I’m thinking, What Would Jesus Do?: If someone he loved were suffering for another’s sins, What Would Jesus Do? Jesus would take that suffering on himself. So that’s what I want to do. I want to remove Jesus’ suffering for Ryan and Richard, and transfer that suffering onto myself.

Let us pray:

Dear God, I am grateful that you sent your favorite son Jesus to suffer for my sins, but please don’t make Jesus waste his suffering for the sins of Ryan Perry and Richard Dawkins. Please take that burden from Jesus and lay it instead on me. God, this suffering already happened 2000 years ago, I understand, but you are all-powerful and so I know that if you really put your mind to it you can figure out a way to retroactively remove Jesus’ suffering for those two atheists and pass it forward to me (perhaps you can slingshot it around the sun through time, like in Star Trek IV). Thank you, God. Keep up the good work. Amen.