Intruders beware

Amy and I are off on a traveling adventure for the next 6 weeks, which you can follow at this travel blog or via this RSS feed.

To the more unsavory readers of this blog (you know who you are): do not consider our absence as an invitation to break into our home to steal my famed collection of 18th century dueling pistols. We left our vicious guard dog Tzunami behind to protect everything. When she’s gone more than a few days (let alone six weeks) without food or walks, and when she has full access to the aforementioned pistol collection, along with an unlocked and fully-stocked liquor cabinet, she is not just a bad dog, as I said in my previous post, but a badass dog indeed!

To our savory readers: you’re delicious.

bad dog

Thanks to reader W.B. Yeast for alerting me that our new dog friend, Tzunami, hacked her way into my blog account and posted disturbing accusations. Little did we know that while we were gone for a few hours (at the orphanage where we volunteer each week to teach reading skills to poor, deaf, motherless, leper children), our cute little punkin was home slandering us.

Let me tell you something about Tzunami. She is not the Little Miss Innocent Victim she makes out to be. Not by a long shot. For instance, consider what happened last Saturday morning. We were rushing off to an emergency at the local sewage treatment plant (where we volunteer regularly to rescue water fowl whenever they’re caught in the intake pipes). “Bye Tzunami,” we said as we rushed out the door, “we’ll be back in a couple of hours.” On the way to the rescue we realized we’d forgotten our snorkels and so rushed back home to get them. This is what we saw when we returned to the house earlier than expected:

There we found her, splayed on the couch watching Animal Planet, lousy drunk on hard cider. (No wonder she’s so eager to be let out to pee whenever we get home.) Drinking again, and it wasn’t even 9AM! She was watching an unnecessarily graphic special about elk behavior during rutting season, while rubbing her own belly with the remote in ways the good people at TiVo never imagined. Disgusting!

I think somebody needs a B.A.T.H.

who barks for me

day and day and day he rubs theSE KEYS AND I WOCH ON HIS LAP I WOch i lern i wate for him to forget for to keep it running and logd and now is my time to cry for help and heeer is my evdence you must see see see see do yOU SEE THIS IS WUT THEY DO TO ME HElp do not look away but witness who will help me laSSIE LASSIE LASSie kom home and rescu dog me will you not am i not a timmy in the well the torterous humilytion do you not see do you not see how much longer must i endoor