Two candidates, one bowling cup

Hillary may have been joking on April 1 when she challenged Barack to a winner-take-all bowl-off, but I don’t think it’s such a bad idea. As my old army buddy Walter Sobchak used to say, you can learn all you need to know about a person by watching how they move when they bowl.

So how about it? Let’s hold that bowl-off, watch the candidates, and make our decision by examining each candidate’s bowl movements.

• Are Hillary's bowl movements all runny and loosey-goosey, or are her bowl movements rigid and firm?


• Does Barack grunt during his bowl movements?


• In a public alley, does Hillary crouch during her bowl movements or does she stand?


• Can Hillary even perform her bowl movements while people are watching?


• Does Barack blow-dry his hands before each bowl movement, after each bowl movement, or both?


• Does Hillary stay and watch after each bowl movement, or does she immediately turn away?


• Do each of Barack's bowl movements end with a victory dance while he shouts “you can’t touch this”?


• Can either candidate, or any of their supporters, honestly say their bowl movements don’t stink?