Send me an iPhone or the duckling gets it!

Dear Apple,

I’d like an iPhone now, please.

I just bought a new mobile phone. It’s a T-Mobile Wing, and while it’s very sexy (touch screen, vertical/landscape modes, mail, maps, mp3 player, etc…) it’s simply not as sexy as an iPhone. I’ve had the Wing two days now and it hasn’t got me laid once, while the iPhone is so sexy I’m sure the women would have been all over me for these two days, completely bypassing me in some cases to have sex with the iPhone directly.

If I return my Wing within a short "trial period" I get a full refund and am not locked in for two years. So I’m on a short schedule here. Can I have an iPhone now?

No?!!

A couple of your Apple folks were at my retirement party the other night both claiming not to have an iPhone, but we could see those bulges in their pants. All night long we had to endure them sliding their hands provocatively into their pockets to multi-touch their handhelds. But they absolutely refused to whip out their sexy devices so we could all see and touch and ogle. One of them all but admits, here, that all Apple employees are walking around us everyday with iPhones but refusing to share. I’m frankly starting to get a little angry with you, Apple, you and your smug employees.

I try to be a peaceful man. I try to keep certain urges under control. And I am definitely not making any threats (I do not intend to get any more restraining orders filed against me this summer), but… Let me just tell you a little story:

I live along the water’s edge. Outside my back door, every day, are beautiful geese and ducks, sometimes cranes, pelicans, and so on. Beautiful birds. On any given day I’m able to look right out the back window, onto my porch, and see a momma duck sleeping with her adorable little ducklings (it’s the season soon after ducklings have hatched and are just learning to swim and walk). Adorable!

It’s funny how the birds sleep with their heads turned around 180 degrees against their backs. Now suppose someone were to suddenly make a loud noise outside the window as these ducklings were sleeping—I’m not making any threats that this will happen, mind you, this is all just idle chit-chat—perhaps with a giant blast from a trumpet—not my trumpet, mind you, not the one I keep in my closet, I’m not that cruel, not me, I’m just using this as a theoretical example—those ducklings, asleep with their heads turned around 180°, would probably be so startled that they wouldn’t have time to remember "did I turn my head 180° to the left, or was it to the right" and so they’d have to just guess which way to turn their heads to straighten out again, and in their startled haste they’d only have a 50% chance of guessing correctly. If any of the above events were to happen—I’m not saying it will happen, just theorizing—half the adorable little ducklings would make the wrong guess, would turn their heads the wrong way, and so would snap their own necks and die right there on the spot.

Restful quiet. A trumpet’s blare. A barely discernible crack and the tiniest little squeak. Quiet again. So young. So tragic.

These are cute little birds, Apple. I’d hate for something to happen to them. I’ll do my best to protect them, but, honestly Apple, who knows what I’m capable of if I’m continually taunted by your sexy iPhone ads flaunting revolutionary but unavailable devices while your hoity-toity employees walk around with iPhones in their pants and getting laid at every turn while the rest of us can just push our buttons and make our phone calls.

Think of the bad publicity when word gets out that Apple does not do what it can to protect waterfowl. Remember how bad the publicity was for Exxon when images of all those oil-covered birds appeared soon after one of their captains pissed me off by cheating me at poker one night aboard the Valdez!

Dear Apple, Don't you care about protecting the waterfowl?

I’d like an iPhone now, please.


P.S. I’m thinking of getting a puppy.