Tuesday, July 3, 2007

We have met the enemy and he is [player to be named later]

Memo to military spokespersons
RE: No more Insurgents in Iraq

In recent polling the Iraq war appears very unpopular. Those same polls give record low levels of support for our Commander in Chief. Among our test sample, only "Al Qaeda" registered with lower popularity than "President Bush". The term "Insurgents" barely registered on the unpopularity scale.

From this point forward, the opponents in Iraq operations are no longer to be termed "insurgents" but are to be called "Al Qaeda in Iraq". We expect this new war against Al Qaeda to be much more popular than the old war against Insurgents. In all interaction with the press, every opportunity should be taken to use the term "Al Qaeda", and 25% of these should be the full "Al Qaeda in Iraq".

For example, this is an ideal response to a typical reporter’s question:

    Reporter: What additional security measures are you putting in place to protect the Green Zone? Does that involve additional troops? And are those additional troops deployed as part of the surge or are they being reassigned from other areas around Baghdad or elsewhere in Iraq?

    Military Spokesperson: Blah blah, blah. Blah blah Al Qaeda, blah blah blah blah blah. Blah. Blah blah. Al Qaeda blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah. Blah blah Al Qaeda in Iraq blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah Al Qaeda.
A special Pysch-Ops team is developing a new label for our enemy, in hopes of discovering a term more unpopular than "Al Qaeda". "Yellow-Green Bile" is showing promise, although testing is incomplete. At your own discretion, you may choose to refer to the enemy as "Yellow-Green Bile" or possibly "Yellow-Green Bile in Iraq", but until we receive more polling data the official enemy is now "Al Qaeda".

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