Wednesday, September 26, 2007

22 Racist Remarks

  • All races are equal.
  • Michael Jackson is black. George Hamilton is white.
  • Racial skin shade is directly correlated to how much sun exposure their ancestors experienced (combining latitude, foliage, and possibly temperature/clothing).
  • Most people’s ideal skin color is an average of all the skin colors they see throughout the day (beauty tends to follow this formula-of-averageness for all features). If you want to be a sexy movie star try to arrange it so that one grandparent is from Africa, two are from Europe, and the fourth is a mix of Asia and Pacific Islands. Think Halle Berry; she usually gets the coloring right.

    Three actors trying to achieve the color.
  • If you are 10% Race A, 10% Race B, 10% Race C, etc… Choose to call yourself by whichever race is the minority in society. That will make you the most special. Think Halle Berry.
  • Here’s my favorite racist joke: Race X excels in Characteristic A, but that’s only because Race X sucks at Characteristic B (it being understood that My Race, which is Race Y, excels in Characteristic B, which is the really important characteristic.)
  • Racer X, enigmatic driver of car number 9, was actually Rex Racer, Speed Racer’s self-exiled brother. He did what he could to protect Speed.
  • The difference in penis length between men of different races is statistically insignificant compared to the difference in penis length between the sexes.
  • Men’s penis sizes are more similar when they’re thinking about Halle Berry than when they’re not. [link]
  • Racial profiling doesn’t capture our best side.
  • Race-based affirmative action in college admissions will continually face heated opposition; wealth-based affirmative action won’t. (Intelligence-based affirmative action has yet to catch on.)
  • Racial minorities don’t prosper in a society if their ancestors did not choose to live within that society. Race matters less than choice (as shown by more-recent immigrants-by-choice).
  • All racist remarks are stupid, as are those who make them.
  • It is every tribe’s right to create a new term of pride for their people, to replace the previous generation’s term (which will have become an epithet). The new term should contain more syllables and/or more words than the old term (and the new term will become an epithet).
  • I am an Asian-American. More specifically: a Cauc-Asian-American (three hyphens!). Please don’t call me “Oriental”; I find that offensive. I’m also offended if you call me “Mongoloid.” Or “retard.” Or “fat-ass” (only fellow Fat-Ass-Americans are allowed to call me that).
  • I’m also African-American. My ancestors left Africa sometime in the last 50,000 years (give or take) and entered America sometime in the last 100 years.
  • Natural selection favors racism. Let’s hope “civilization” solves that problem as neatly as it solved the problem of nakedness.
  • Each tribe once ruled a territory, for a while. This may be known as their golden era. The golden era is remembered with sweet fondness and provides great inspiration.
  • Each tribe’s golden era ends when some other tribe viciously displaces them (through slaughter, genocide, subjugation, assimilation, and other atrocities). This is remembered with bitter hatred and provides great inspiration.
  • Each tribe’s golden era began when it viciously displaced the tribe that ruled before them. This is forgotten.
  • We all have ancestors who supported genocide.
  • All races are equal: rotten to the core.
Next week: We calculate fair victim compensation for Neanderthal Survivors.

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