Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Will the Alpha and Omega please rise?

A blaspheming Nebraska politician (state senator Ernie Chambers) is suing God, as reported here. He’s suing God for:
  • causing untold death and horror
  • fearsome floods ... horrendous hurricanes, terrifying tornadoes
  • making terrorist threats
I wish I could have made this stuff up.

God must be feeling terrible right now. Your first lawsuit, even if it’s purely frivolous, is always devastating. He is probably thinking the worst: What if they take everything?! What if they take the entire universe? Where will I live?!!

Problem is: God has no good legal representation: There are no lawyers in heaven.

He could represent himself, but a God who represents himself will have an Almighty Fool for a client.

God’s only hope of a fair trial is Satan and his Lawyer Minions of Hell. But it’s going to cost money. A lot of money! (The Lawyer Minions of Hell do not work pro bono.)

During hours of insomnia-induced research, there are two things I’ve learned from early-morning religious TV shows that can help us save Him:
  1. God is all-powerful, but for some holy reason beyond our terrestrial comprehension He is unable to create His own money. So call into those TV shows and send them all your savings.
  2. Prayer works. So pray. Pray very hard! Pray to Satan to make the best defense strategy possible for God’s case, or to at least cop a reasonable plea.
God must win this case. If we let Him go to jail he’ll never get out. No parole board, having read His rap sheet in the Bible / Koran / Torah, will ever let Him out early for good behavior.


Next week: RIAA sues The Muses for p2p sharing and copyright infringement.

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