Caffeine Withdrawal - Beware the Huckabee / Romney election of 2008

This is Future Brent again, backblogging illegally this time from the year 2021. We are now in the first year of Mike Huckabee’s fourth consecutive term as president, with Mitt Romney by his side. I risk the severe punishments against backblogging because it is imperative that you get this message in 2007: Do NOT let Huckabee & Romney get away with their backroom caffeine-withdrawal political dealings again. Do NOT elect the Huckabee / Romney ticket in 2008. Please.

Here’s the future that you absolutely must prevent: In late 2007, when it wasn’t clear whether Romney or Huckabee were the clear leaders in the Republican primaries, the two of them made a backroom deal. Romney agreed to step aside and let Huckabee take the lead, and in return Huckabee agreed to name Romney as his running mate and to fully support the only issue Romney really cared about: Caffeine Withdrawal, a.k.a. The Word Of Caffeine Wisdom, a.k.a. “CaffWiz”.

The importance of CaffWiz may need some explaining to those of you back in 2007 (when Mormons where only 2 or 3 percent of the U.S. non-incarcerated population and the issue was relatively unknown,) so here’s the backdated background: There is a clause in one of the LDS religious texts, Doctrine & Covenants Section 89 (a.k.a. “The Word of Wisdom”) verse 9 which states “hot drinks are not for the body or belly.” Ever since the publication of that text in 1833 there had been a huge schism within the LDS scholars over the meaning of “hot drinks”. Some interpreted the Lord’s words to mean “hot drinks” while others where sure God meant to say “caffeinated anything.” Romney was in the “no caffeine” camp and, having failed to make headway within the church, he chose politics as his path for enforcing the Wisdom of the Lord.


You’re probably wondering how Huckabee & Romney won the 2008 elections when Clinton / Obama where such a strong ticket and Bush had been such a disaster. Clinton did have a clear lead until the final debate, when Clinton let out what she thought would be the final nail in Huckabee’s coffin. She said, “Mike, are the rumors true that you killed a man?” The world gasped; could such an accusation be true; she wouldn’t say such a thing if it weren’t; was Huckabee’s career over. But he turned out to be a political genius: “Yes, Hillary, it is true. I’m not proud to say it, and I don’t like to talk about it, but in the interest of Arkansas security I did once have to take a man’s life with my own hands. May God have mercy on us both.” Huckabee took a long pause, lowered his head for a minute as if in brief prayer, and then faced his opponent: “Hillary, have you ever killed anyone with your bare hands.”… another long pause… “Could you?” And that one line is what killed Hillary Clinton’s chances. In an instant Clinton had become a weak pansy who had never even killed a man, and Mike Huckabee had become Jack Bauer in the eyes of the nation. Republican support was further strengthened when it conveniently leaked that Mitt Romney had personally broken the neck of at least one man just for counterfeiting Winter Olympic medallions. Barack Obama tried to salvage the situation by releasing a photograph of himself wielding a handgun, but seeing Barack with a gun just made America remember that he was half black; that photograph cemented the Republican electoral landslide.

The backroom deal was done. The election was won. Romney acted quickly and brilliantly, with the full support of President Huckabee. Romney’s first step was to introduce coffee as a substitute for the opium being grown in Afghanistan. Within a couple of years he was able to show that Taliban-supported Afghan terrorists were supporting themselves with proceeds from the coffee plantations. Coffee beans soon became regulated, as a temporary precaution in the war on terror. The price of legal coffee skyrocketed, leading to a large black market. Romney, with full support of Huckabee, who was too honorable to renege on his backroom deal, called in the National Guard to fight the coffee smugglers. Severe penalties were regulated against coffee contraband. Turf wars among coffee-bean traffickers led to danger-zones in certain urban areas. The situation became so bad, and the blame was easily placed on coffee and (it was hinted, those “coffee-colored” people who transport it) so coffee was mad illegal. Blame was placed on caffeine addiction and so caffeine, in any form, became illegal. (Romney’s religious prohibition had become national law.) But demand did not cease. To make the smuggling easier, the traffickers switched from coffee beans to pure caffeine, which was much more concentrated and easier to import. Caffeine addicts would pay whatever it took to get their fix (anything to wake up in the morning, clear their head, and take a nice big morning dump). They began snorting pure caffeine. Shooting it up. Rich people were lightly fined or let of with a warning when caught with a few lines of powder caffeine (“just an occasional snort, mind you, when necessary to work those long hours making the economy productive”), while the poor were widely rounded up and incarcerated for paying a few dollars to smoke what they called “Crystal Joe.”

By 2012, the situation was so bad that the Caffeine Wars had the country gripped in terror. CaffWiz detention centers could not be built fast enough to protect the general public from the low-class caffeine addicts. The problem was moving from the inner cities to the wholesome rural communities. There was no question that Huckabee / Romney would be re-elected in this time of war. By the time of the 2016 elections over 30% of the population was behind bars (and so couldn’t vote), another 30% was employed keeping them behind bars (and so was invested in keeping the Caffeine Wars going), and the rest of the population was stricken by terror. Wartime powers allowed the 22nd amendment to be temporarily suspended indefinitely.

Ironically, the major beneficiary of the Caffeine Wars turned out to be Starbucks. By 2010 Starbucks was already the worlds’ largest seller of music, and so they quickly switched from coffee- to music-distribution. Their in-store cot-rental business was also a big moneymaker—people would pay top dollar to lie in a cot for a few minutes, escaping the terrorizing world of the streets while they listened to Starbucks’ exclusive line of sleep-inducing music.

And that’s the way it’s been. The War On Caffeine is a never-ending terror, and I don’t see anything that can make it change now. History shows that it’s much easier to make laws than to unmake laws, so I’m calling on the people of 2007 to prevent Caffeine Prohibition from happening in the first place. Only YOU can prevent Huckabee / Romney in 2008.

Oh, and in case you’re wondering how the whole war against terror thing worked out: The terrorists won. Was there ever any doubt?

...except for condoms...

Reminder: The First Millenial Fantastic No-Plastic Friday the 14th is on! On Fantastic No-Plastic Friday the Fourteenth (FNPF14) all participants reject any single-use disposable plastic items. Did you forget?

There’s a right way to dress.

I always put my pants on right leg first, like any normal human being. Today, just to be different, I tried going left leg first.

It felt wrong. Oh so wrong! I immediately and instinctively knew that I’d made a terrible mistake. Clearly I’d performed an unnatural act and an abomination in the eyes of God, like having sex with someone of the same gender.

Little Doggy Poo Poo

Friends, we have a new member of the family. She's a 10-year-old Shih Tzu named Tzunami. Here she is:Here she is watching TV with me (notice that I won't let her hold the remote, because she's always switching to Animal Planet):And here she is in a giraffe costume. Oh, the indignity! I expect PETA to show up any time now:When Tzunami needs to poop she first performs an elaborate dance over some special spot in the grass, a spot that changes every day and that that only she can find. Her dance steps trace a sequence of connected circles forming a figure 8. It takes a while. I don't have any videos of her doing that (I can't figure out how to work the video camera), but it looks a lot like this educational video:Now we know that she's not just pooping, but also telling us where we can find a field of pollen-heavy flowers, relative to the sun. I don't have any recording of Tzunami performing the actual act, so here's video of a bee doing it.

Fantastic No-Plastic Friday the Fourteenth

Plastic is everywhere. It seems you can’t buy anything without it being wrapped, transported, displayed, packaged, repackaged, carried, and disposed in a new single-use disposable plastic item—a new plastic item for each stage of transport, display, packaging, etc… Plastic is so ubiquitous that we don’t even notice it.

Every now and then, a day comes along when must take a look at that which is normally invisible due to its over-familiarity. That day is coming in less than two weeks.

Announcing: Fantastic No-Plastic Friday the Fourteenth.

On Fantastic No-Plastic Friday the Fourteenth (FNPF14) all participants reject any single-use disposable plastic item. Be it grocery bag, coffee cup and/or lid, sandwich plate, straw, or any of a million containers and decorations of any kind, just say, “no thanks, not today.”

During that one day, there will be ample reminders to think about plastic. Where does it come from? Where does it go? How did society live without so much of it 50 years ago, and without any of it 100 years ago? Does it ever biodegrade? Is it an appropriate use of 9% of our oil reserves? Can it really be successfully recycled? How much of the cost of everything goes into that plastic? How much would one of our ancestors have sacrificed to have an item as durable and long-lasting as a plastic Doggie Diner boat, used only once and only to transport a chili dog 12 feet from counter to table?

This may take a little planning (e.g. bringing your own cup, yesterday’s bag to re-use, or your home Tupperware for leftovers), may cause awkward moments, and may require us to postpone for one day some social interactions. Is that too much of a sacrifice for one day? Maybe. If plastics have inundated our lives as completely as I fear they have, we’ll learn on that one day that the idea of living within our sustainable means is hopelessly idealistic. But at least we’ll know.

Friends, if just one person rejects single-use disposable plastic items they’ll think he’s really sick and they won’t serve him. If two people do it, in harmony, they’ll think they’re both eco-fags and neither of them will be served. But if three people do it, three (that’s right, three, as in every single reader of this blog) they’ll know it’s a movement. And that’s what it is, The Fantastic No-Plastic movement.*

I look forward with hope and fear for the upcoming Friday the Fourteenth, and the tiny sacrifices to be made on that day. Thank you for being a part of this movement.

*with thanks to Arlo Guthrie and Alice’s Restaurant

The 400 Year Old Virgin

Why does the latest issue of GC (the magazine that dictates my entire ever-changing wardrobe) declare Hayden Panettiere, the cheerleader from the Heroes TV show, our Obsession of the Year? It’s not because of the actress herself. She is cute as a button, but cute buttons don’t obsess GC (except in the bi-annual “buttons, cufflink, and tie-clasp roundup”). No, it’s because of her character on heroes. Not because she plays a cheerleader: cheerleaders aren’t obsessions, just whores—everyone in every high school has made it with half the cheerleaders squad, including the other half of the cheerleader squad. What makes this character obsession-worthy is her superhero ability to heal from all wounds in just a few seconds. We’ve seen, for instance, how this power can make broken bones miraculously reform, can make a person live for hundreds of years, and can make a chopped-off toe regrow itself in a few seconds. What the editors at GC implicitly assume is that this healing power applies to all of the cheerleaders organs, including the hymen and all parts thereabouts. And that is what makes Hayden Panettiere obsession-worth: she is always and forever a virgin. Every time is her first time, again and again, all… night… long.