The 400 Year Old Virgin

Why does the latest issue of GC (the magazine that dictates my entire ever-changing wardrobe) declare Hayden Panettiere, the cheerleader from the Heroes TV show, our Obsession of the Year? It’s not because of the actress herself. She is cute as a button, but cute buttons don’t obsess GC (except in the bi-annual “buttons, cufflink, and tie-clasp roundup”). No, it’s because of her character on heroes. Not because she plays a cheerleader: cheerleaders aren’t obsessions, just whores—everyone in every high school has made it with half the cheerleaders squad, including the other half of the cheerleader squad. What makes this character obsession-worthy is her superhero ability to heal from all wounds in just a few seconds. We’ve seen, for instance, how this power can make broken bones miraculously reform, can make a person live for hundreds of years, and can make a chopped-off toe regrow itself in a few seconds. What the editors at GC implicitly assume is that this healing power applies to all of the cheerleaders organs, including the hymen and all parts thereabouts. And that is what makes Hayden Panettiere obsession-worth: she is always and forever a virgin. Every time is her first time, again and again, all… night… long.