By now you’ve probably noticed that I didn’t make it into the Olympics this year--again. I never make it. The U.S.O.C. has this policy that only best and fastest are allowed onto our country’s team; it’s very discriminatory and beneath the ideals this country was founded on.
I’ve tried to get into alternative Olympic events, but find myself discriminated against at every turn. I’m too normal for the special Olympics, too straight for the Gay Games, too samely-enabled for the Paralympics, to goy for the Maccabiah Games, too Cauc for the Asian Games, and too sexy for my shirt.
Even if I could get into any of those events, they only give out medals to the best and the fastest. What chance do I stand with policies like that?
So today I announce the No-Better-Than-Brent-Noorda-Olympics. This will be an athletic event celebrating human physical achievement (up to a point). Unlike those other discriminatory events it will be open to anyone, of any race, creed, gender, IQ, or number of limbs, so long as they are not better than me.
You don’t have to be worse than me, because then there’d be no real competition and the television audience would tune out. You’re even allowed to be as good as me, just no better.
To enter the track events you must run a mile in no less than 8 minutes, jump no higher than my couch, and jump no farther than that puddle that forms at then end of our driveway when it rains. If you start to get dizzy after five or fewer somersaults, then you’re welcome to enter the gymnastic events. If you haven’t figured out that fancy/twisty swimmer turn yet, then welcome to the swimming events. If you’re a hot chick with a teeny tiny bikini, then you can join the beach volleyball event no matter how good you are.
Let the games begin!