To: Hu Jinato (POPRC)
RE: Job recommendations
- Dear Hu, I’m so sorry to hear about the recent earthquake in your country. Such loss of life, on your watch, is a terrible tragedy. From one president to another, you have my sympathies.
As I always say, when life gives you lemons, throw a lemon party. This earthquake may be the best thing that ever happened to you.
Thanks to this earthquake and the swift action of your government, China now has garnered the goodwill of the entire world. You now have the opportunity, if you act swiftly, to turn that goodwill into support for whatever actions you choose. I have a couple of friends, currently looking for a good job opportunity, who could help you cash in that worldwide goodwill. Their names are Karl Rove and Donald Rumsfeld; they’re real good people.
Q: What will Karl and Don do for you?
A: Whatever you want.
For one example, just off the top of my head, consider Taiwan. I know that little island has been a thorn in your side for the longest time. Let the K&D team lose and, before you know it, you’ll have truckloads of evidence showing that Taiwan was behind that earthquake, and if not behind that one they at least have the means and will to develop more earthquakes if not stopped now. To quote a great man (myself): You will not have asked for this challenge, but you accept it. Your only course of action will be to invade.
Or maybe you’d prefer they get rid of that pesky Dalai Lama. Whatever.
Shall I tell Don and Karl to fly in for their new job now, or would you like to conduct a phone interview first?