Apple expands its China market by 1 million overnight

In a stunning game-changing announcement, proving once again that Apple is the world leader in business management and innovation, Apple’s new CEO Tim Cook declared:

As a company and as individuals, we are defined by our values. Unfortunately some people are questioning Apple’s values today, and I’d like to address this with you directly. We care about every worker in our worldwide supply chain.

This morning the Apple board has agreed to distribute our on-hand cash, of about $100 billion, among the 920,000 Foxconn employees who make our amazing Apple products. That’s over $100,000 for each and every hard-working employee who put together the products that delight us. Put another way, we’ve just given them a 6,000% bonus over their $1,680 yearly salaries.

Within minutes of the announcement, a majority block of Apple shareholders began a lawsuit based on the legal concept Volumus Quod Pecunia, which roughly translates as “Hey, We want that money!”

Tim Cook responded to the irate shareholders:

We would never neglect our fiduciary shareholder responsibility. We are not paying $100,000 per Foxconn employee out of any sense of fairness, or out of the goodness of our hearts. We’re doing this because it just makes good business sense. We’re expanding our customer base.

Each of those employees can now, for the first time in their lives, afford to purchase the products they’re making. In fact, we’re pressuring Foxconn to mandate that every employee buy an iPad and an iPhone (although employees younger than 14 are required to get a parent’s permission).

One more thing: we’re mandating a reduced 90-hour workweek so our Chinese workers now have time to shop for Apple products. That’s how markets are grown.

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Follow-up April 19:

Soon after publishing the above post I got a call from Apple's CEO Tim Cook. He was actually a really nice guy, insisting I call him "Tim Timinney Tim" because "that's what all my friends call me." What a sweetie.

He said he read my blog and took it to heart, and decided that I'd gone a little overboard by asking Apple to share $100,000 with each Foxconn worker, but they would be willing to give each worker a $1,000/year raise (that's 60%). “To pay for that we'll have to gut 1% out of our profits, or gouge the consumer by raising the price on each ipad and iphone by about $5, but, hey, we all gotta make sacrifices, right.”

“Right, Tim.”

“Right, what?”

“Right, Tim Timinney Tim.”

“That’s more like it.”

The NYTimes has now reported on the raise. Good for you Apple. Right on!

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Follow-up March 18:

Retraction