Sunday, June 20, 2010

Beware The Big Gold Lever Under God’s Right Hand

My dog, Tzunami, nearly killed me today. She didn't mean to. She's a good girl.

I'd waited patiently for to her find the perfect grassy spot to do her "duty". Then, as I was bent over to clean it up she saw a goose poop nearby.

For this bizarre story to make any sense whatsoever you have to understand how much Tzunami loves goose poop. It's a delicacy to her. To me it's super duper yucky, but to her (and probably to the French) goose poop is a feast.

Anyway, back to the story. As I was bent over picking up her "duty", she lunged for a goose poop, wrapping her leash tightly around my neck and choking off my air supply.

Soon I felt myself floating skyward through a long tunnel leading to an infinitely bright light. I took one last look downward and saw my now-still body, a bit purplish, and Tzunami nearby smacking her lips in culinary delight. I was filled with an indescribable sense of love and well-being.

Then I found myself face to face with God. He was just like you'd expect. He sat in a giant throne, surrounded by a court of winged angels. "Welcome home, my child" he said in a booming voice comparable to a thousand thunderclaps.

I've prepared a lifetime for this moment: my encounter with God. I like to be prepared for life's special moments. For instance, when someone puts a helium balloon into most people's mouths it is a wasted moment because they don't know what to say. They're not prepared. But me, I'm prepared, I say "follow the yellow brick road," which I've determined is the perfect thing to say on helium. For my first meeting with God, I've also prepared the perfect statement: "Are you there God? It's me, Margaret."

"Ho ho ho ho," he boomed, and his court of angels teetered merrily along. "That was funny.... the first 10,000 times I heard it. I've no time for this nonsense." His laughter abruptly ceased, along with the tee-hees of His entire court. "It is time for you to Be Ye Here Judged!"

I noticed then that his right arm rested on a giant gold lever beside his throne. I also noticed below my feet what looked like a trap door. I barely managed to swallow a cry of fear.

"My Child, as your One True God I have given you a brain of almost incomprehensible complexity (incomprehensible to your tiny mind, in any case). In your Earthly life I provided no evidence of my existence, nothing except what you call 'Faith'. You will be eternally judged on your answer to this all-important question: In your life did you believe in Me? Despite the large brain I gave you, and the total lack of evidence for My existence, did you devote your life to serving Me, the All Powerful? Or did you abandon your True Father and instead serve the lesser beings of mankind?"

"Ummmm...." I said.

"ANSWER NOW, CHILD! DID YOU BELIEVE IN ME?!!!" But then, suddenly, his tone changed. "Oh, now is not your time. My bad..."

I felt myself instantly swept away from the Spot of Eternal Judgment. I knew at that moment that I wasn't going to die. It wasn't yet my time. But before plummeting back to my mortal body I grabbed onto a tuft of cloud, hid behind it as long as I could keep a grip, and watched the next person to be judged.

The next soul was that of a woman, who was apparently a very devout believer, for when God asked the Final Question, and she answered, "Yes, My Lord, I had faith, I believed in You, I worshipped You and devoted my life to Your service." God said, simply, "pity", and pulled on his throne-side lever. The trap door opened and she fell into what I then knew to be a pit of endless and eternal torment of fire, brimstone, anguish, pain, and eternal despair. The screams emanating from that trap door were infinitely worse than anything I've ever heard or even imagined.

I released my grip on the tuft of cloud and allowed my soul to reenter my body where the odor in my nostrils, of Tzunami's Goose-Poo breath in my face, was gut-wrenchingly horrible, bad enough to wake the dead (which it had done). Tzunami, worried about me, her best friend, had breathed her Goose-Poop breath of life into my face. She's a good girl.


That's all. That's the story of my very-eventful dog walk. It's not every day you nearly die, meet God, and learn the secret to avoiding eternal damnation.

I realize that my story might be a little hard to believe. Maybe you think I simply imagined the whole thing, being deluded by lack-of-oxygen and Goose-Poop-Poisoning, and so you will continue to maintain your belief in God. But is that really the gamble you want to take? Are you so sure you don't believe my story that you're willing to risk burning in hell for eternity as punishment for your faith and belief in God?