Wednesday, August 25, 2010

A Call for Term Limits for Actors

Here's a tedious conversation I never want to have again:
[Pause the movie] "Who is she? That blonde woman, who is she?"

"I don't know. This is the first time that character appeared. Press play and we'll find out who she is and why she's carrying a huge gun."

"No, who is the actress? Where have we seen that actress before."

"I don't know. Can we just watch and find out who she's about to shoot?"

"Wasn't she the psycho killer in CSI, Miami"?

"Oh, right. She was brunette, not blonde, but I think it was Numb3rs."

"No, it was Bones. I'm sure of it. And she was definitely blonde."

"Right, but she was brunette in that episode of Law & Order. That one dude's crazy girlfriend, right? OK, press play now."

"Oh, wow, you're right. With dark hair she's the crazy glitter-soap lady."

"Yep. OK. Problem solved. Press play, please, for the love of god."

[play for half a second...pause] "I remember now. She was also that psycho real estate lady on NCIS?"

"No, that was that other actress: the lesbo girlfriend of that emo band's lead singer. They look alike because they both have a weird too-big mouth."

"Oh... right... OK, well anyway, we figured out who she is and it will stop bugging me." [Finally Presses play]

"Um... Could you rewind a little? I forgot what was going on."

A conversation just like it happens nearly every time a new character appears in anything. Over the course of my lifetime I will spend months, cumulatively, in a paused viewing limbo figuring out where we've seen some actor before. What a tragic waste of my life!

The solution is simple: TERM LIMITS FOR ACTORS.

Be it hereby decreed that no one is allowed to act in more than one Movie or TV Show in their lifetime. Get in, play the role, get out, and find a real job.

Thank you.

P.S. Exceptions may be granted to actors who play the same role again and again. I'm talking about you, Michael Cera.