Thursday, May 17, 2012

How the Multiple Internets Killed the Skaplavian Maldivian Lampreys

About two weeks ago I tried desperately to publicize a new charity via the major social networks (Facebook, Twitter, Google+) with posts like this one:

Trying to figure out how to publicize a new charity, "The Skaplavian Maldivian Lamprey Regurgitation Rehabilitation and Restorative Trust Fund" (aka. SMLRRRTF) via [insert-social-network-here].

My hope was to attract like-minded individuals, and together we could work on the Skaplavian Maldivian Lamprey Regurgitation (SMLR) problem.

Alas, I have failed. Nobody contacted me—nobody--and now Skaplavian Maldivian Lampreys (SMLs) have all died, choking on their own vomit. I’m talking extinction, folks! Bye-bye slimy, toothy, circular-mouthy, oh-so-adorable and noble creatures of the deep.

I was angry and hurt. How could we let this happen? Why did no one contact me? Then I thought, “Maybe they couldn’t find me?”

So using various internet tools I searched for “Skaplavian Maldivian Lamprey Regurgitation” and this is what I found:
  • A link to my Tweet. At least that’s something.
  • if I’m in your circles: The Tweet plus the Google+ post.
  • Only my Google+ post.
  • Nothing. I think it showed up in the first few days, but not now (maybe it depends on how old the tweet is or how busy are the servers?)
  • Nothing. Boo!
  • new (with ties to facebook): Nothing.
  • Nothing.
  • Nothing (but at least it spent some time looking :-)
  • Nothing, since by default FB only searches on names. But then from this link I learned about advanced search and so… Nothing.  Apparently the advanced search only goes back a week (or so it appears to me).
Sad Conclusion: Social Networks are very Anti-Social toward each other. The Internet is becoming a bunch of little internet silos, and they don’t talk to each other, and that sucks, especially if you are a sucker, like the lampreys… were.

Why should we care about this one Skaplavian Maldivian Lamprey extinction? What does one little species matter? We are all just a little bit SML, aren't we?


  1. fuck that. why would I want to help a parasite?..honestly? and you think they're cute? you have something wrong with your cognitive process. seriously? I'd rather donate t something more worthy than even try and help raise awareness for this nasty and poorly evolved creature

    1. Lampreys are one of the two last remaining members of the agnatha class For the sake of species diversity, we should probably care...

    2. Im sorry but i agree with aguythatscanadian, its a blood sucking parasite. Why would a ton of people go way out of their way to help that? Would you let lice in your hair to avoid extinction????? JUST SAYIN!!! There is REAL ANIMALS that needs our help so THEY DONT go extinct on us ..... SMDH !!!

    3. Its a blood sucking parasite. There is REAL ANIMALS close to extinction, and this guy is trying to save something that majority of the
      World would have nightmares about. Not saying you shouldn't be passionate about what YOU care for, but HONESTLY, like I said, and as I'm sure... you know, there is WAY MORE other animals and fish close to extinction. You shouldn't get upset that people don't want to help save this water vampire....

  2. "AGuyThats from canada" how dare you say that word to the world and especially about gods creatures you creep,your the worst person alive to say that about this lamprey

  3. WTF. Is the pic of the guy with the lamprey eye real??!! It's scaring the hell out of me

    1. I clicked on the link so i could understand the photo but Jesus Christ i don't know what that is at all.

  4. It's fake I tried to hype this up but I think I keep getting deleted by the author. Oh well still sick

  5. Thats a pretty metal way to go though